Advice for Fake Hand Washers

A recent Barf Blog article brought my attention to the phenomenon of “fake hand washing”. Apparently, there are a large number of people out there who dislike washing their hands, but are concerned about the social impact of their hygienic preference. They have therefore banded together via the internet to support their fellow fake hand washers and offer tips to trick others into thinking their hands have been washed. For example, on the ironically titled, “I am neurotic” blog, the author offers the following tips:

“After I flush, I turn on the faucet and let the water run for people to hear. I want it to be believable though, so I mime washing my hands to make sure I let the water run for exactly how long it would take me to really do it."

As if the advice wasn’t remarkable enough, I was astonished that over 945 people (at the time this was written) voted “me-too” in support of the author’s suggestions. But the most amazing thing (to me) about the fake hand washers arguments is how they were focused upon themselves and how oblivious they were to the health impacts their choices have on people around them.

So fake hand washers, I'd like to jump on the internet bandwagon and offer you all some advice from the perspective of a health inspector!

• Not washing your hands provides a great opportunity to put your fecal mark on any place you touch. Human poop contains over a trillion cells of disease causing bacteria per dry gram weight of feces. Some poop and the bacteria in it are bound to get on your hands and under your fingernails when you wipe your anus. Best of all, that feces can become seasoning in your family’s dinner tonight when you use your unwashed hands to make their meal.



• Fake hand washing is an intimate way to connect with strangers in the restroom. According to a recent study, the typical bathroom contains 3.2 million bacteria per square inch in the toilet bowl, 295 bacteria per square inch on the toilet seat, 83 bacteria per square inch on the toilet handle, 452 bacteria per square inch on the countertop, 6267 bacteria per square inch on the faucet handle, and 121 bacteria per square inch on the inside door handle. By touching anything in a bathroom, you can pick up a stranger’s germs, and (by infecting yourself) experience their diarrhea and vomiting misery. When you are done, you can continue the fun by passing your germs onto some other unsuspecting fake hand washer who comes into the bathroom after you.



• You can impact the lives of people around you! The Centers for Disease Control estimates that 76 million Americans are sickened (20% of them will be someone’s innocent child), 325,000 are hospitalized and 5,000 die each year from food-borne illnesses at an estimated cost of 6.9 billion dollars. The CDC says inadequate hand hygiene is a significant contributor to those numbers. Talk about an impact!



• Rather than fake it, why not just keep walking past the hand wash sink. Fake hand washing implies that you know better and are choosing to infect others….and that is a pretty low thing to do to your friends, family and innocent bystanders. If you just don’t fake it at all, you could at least fool people into thinking you are just a clueless clod.



• Use your fake hand washing to save the environment. If you don’t care about how many people your fecal-contaminated hands will sicken, why waste all that water, soap and paper?

The best advice I can offer the fake hand washer is to reconsider your hygiene practice and take the 20 seconds to really wash your hands. This simple act could keep some innocent child or stranger from getting sick and may even save someone else’s life.